Self-esteem has everything to do with confidence and the beliefs you hold about your worth, ability, or value. It’s influenced by your opinions and ideas about yourself (for example, “I am loved” or “I am worthy”), and also by emotional states such as feelings of accomplishment, despair, pride, or shame.
Experiences that lead to shame or guilt negatively impact self-esteem, especially if they haunt you or come from traumatic ordeals. The demanding and chaotic nature of present-day life requires strength and confidence in yourself, and feeling that you can trust yourself for those times when you cannot find it in the world.
Childhood origins of problems with self-esteem
It's said that nurturing a child consists of helping them have the roots to grow, and then the wings to fly. A strong childhood foundation provides self-confidence, and trust that we can safely leave it one day.
Studies show there are 5 must-haves for high self-esteem in children: (1) total acceptance of a child’s thoughts and feelings, and valuing their personhood; (2) a sense of security that comes from parents who instill clear boundaries that are fair and negotiable; (3) the experience of respect for a child’s dignity as a small human; (4) moral and behavioral expectations that are expressed in supportive and non-oppressive ways, so that the child can safely explore being their best, and (5) parents modeling their own self-efficacy and self-respect. Over time, these experiences result in a child who is loved, internalizes that feeling, and learns to love themself.
Experiences in school, work, and within the culture can easily mirror insecurities, misunderstandings about responsibility for others (while negating responsibility for ourself), and feelings of abandonment, creating feelings worthlessness, self-criticism, and struggles with perfectionism.
How can you increase your self-esteem?
Change begins with actions you take for yourself that are unique to you. For example:
- Living Consciously. Personal growth is connected with awareness about which specific choices make you feel effective and confident, as opposed to falling into old choices that disempower.
- Self Acceptance. What choices can I make that will help me to be on my side? It's about the actions you take in which you refuse to be in an oppositional relationship with yourself. What would that look like?
- Living Purposely. Using personal power to attain goals that you have chosen. Making it your purpose to move in directions that help you to achieve what’s important to you.
- Practicing Personal Integrity. Integrating closely held ideals, standards, and beliefs, with deliberate choices. What is and isn’t right for you? When you’re in your own integrity, you respond accordingly.
As an integrative and holistic therapist, I offer a number of therapies to help support changes in self-esteem, including trauma-sensitive psychotherapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, EMDR, training in mindfulness and meditation, and energy therapies.
Book an online appointment today for Self-Esteem with Diana J Bowen.